Friday, 9 August 2013

Me, My Anxiety & I

Not many people know I suffer with bad anxiety because it's not something I shout from the roof tops pretty silly really because I always stand by mental health shouldn't be so taboo.  I can't quite remember when it actually started I'm sure it was when Issy started nursery & I was pregnant with Daisie, although I had days I could go out okay but I had to do what I had to do (pick Issy up) and get straight home, When Issy was a baby you'd be lucky to catch me indoors we were forever out on bus trips,park,little outings etc. Looking back at all of that I was sick of not showing my girls the world like I should be. So I finally went to the doctors early this year I was determined to beat this myself with no medication but I had to do what I had to do for my girls it's fine me staying in all day but they shouldn't have to so I swallowed my pride and accepted the 1Omg citralopram I was prescribed. I often feel I should have my dosage up'd a little but I'm trying to help myself as best as I can before I go and do that, I also requested counseling but I'm yet to bite the bullet and do that (I was under a psychiatrist back when Issy was a baby but was discharged and left their number if I needed them)  Andy often finds me somewhere in tears because I'm so sure I'm an awful mum he always points out all the things I'm doing right but I'm convinced he has to say that and think the same if I talk to any friends about it.

Having the look I do piercings,bright hair colours,tattoos,photoshoots I do etc many people assume I'm a really confident girl when really I'm far from it. I sometimes panic when I'm out waiting for someone to start some trouble because of how I look but I refuse to alter my look to fit in with what society sees fit, I have days where I feel fine with going out but other days I won't even consider going out no matter what, I used to wear headphones everywhere I went on the loudest they would go so I couldn't hear anyone around me if and when I went out alone people were always telling me they saw me and I totally blanked them (I didn't I just go into my own world where I'm safe when I go out) There was a time I wouldn't do the nursery runs and Andy done them for me because I wouldn't leave the house, Issy's teachers often asked where I was and was I okay.  Andy was forever asking me if I wanted to pop out somewhere with him but I always found an excuse not to go, Since being on medication I do the school runs every morning I don't talk to any of the other mums I talk to a maximum of 5 parents when on the school run and that's it, I can't quite handle the afternoon school runs just yet but I'm getting there now if I'm out its a struggle to get me back home, I can't do things that involve going out on the whim I have to have planned it the night before at least I really struggle when I have things sprung on me or if Andy decides his not coming last minute, Phone calls terrify me I can't even order a take-away the only phone calls I do are ones for my girls,  I can't manage nights out without having panic attacks each time I've attempted a night out i've ended up freaking out. I started volunteering in a charity shop as a start to getting over my fear of going out and speaking to other humans as well as gaining some experience as I really want to work in retail (until i become a awesome body modifier of course ;) one day one day....)

So there's a little look into a part of me that many don't know about :)


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