Tuesday, 8 April 2014

What I would give...

 Be warned it's a long one.....
I'd give anything and everything to be back to the care free girl I once was! When I didn't have to rely on a tiny little tablet to make getting through the day possible and be able to feel more than anger,frustration,irritation and hate when I don't take them. What I would give to be able to enjoy a day out with my kids without willing the hours to go past as quick as they could so I could be back home where the anxiety of people being around me can stop! What I would give to be able to walk out of my door randomly with my family without being filled with dread and just wanting to crawl into my bed. I've never been one to air my struggles or problems on social networking sites but isn't my blog meant to be my little place on the internet to write how I feel sometimes? I don't even let Andy know that I'm not coping with the day, I'm upset, I'm angry etc
I'll suffer in silence until it gets so much I'm close to break down or it's impossible to look strong anymore today was that day in the middle of Asda and my entire day was ruined the minute I entered Asda.

Today was the official first day of the easter holidays and how it started/went was no where near what I had planned for my little family, That's what I'm most gutted about any other day it would have been better to handle/manage.
I haven't had any of my citralopram tablets for at least a week now but I have been biting a mg up from mine in half to get me by until I got my prescription
I was put on 1Omg last January because I had enough and felt it was time I got myself sorted not for me as I never wanted to go down the medication route but enough was enough it wasn't fair on my girls having to live and see the same four walls day in day out because I physically couldn't leave the house.
We set out this morning while Andy went to help his mum out everything was okay, I went and collected a parcel I had missed then everything the girls done I snapped at I was stressing over nothing then it came to entering asda and that's when I was ready to beg the next person near me to take the girls and just break down there and then. (Of course I would never give my girls to anyone I didn't know or give them to anyone for that matter) Andy met me for some cash to get on the train and he could tell straight away something was up I done my usual 'nothing, I'm fine' but he knew I was lying. Then came the tears welling up while paying for my items there was no hiding something was up now
Andy said he'd take both the girls to his mums with him dispite the fact he'd be really busy he could just see I needed some time today but I wouldn't allow that until I had took the girls to subway as a surprise like I had planned (they nagged me every other day to go).
In the end we popped to see my mum and I decided Issy could stay with me as I knew my mum would let her stay if I asked and Daisie would go with Andy to grandma's but Daisie was having to much fun playing polly pocket with Issy so they both stayed with me and the day picked up after a chat with my mumsie :) 

I stopped leaving the house when I was heavily pregnant with Daisie, Andy would try everything he could to get me out of the house asking if I wanted to visit family, pop to the shops,go to the park etc and my answer was always no without an ounce of me that would even consider a different answer.
He done pretty much all of the nursery runs because I just couldn't find it in me to leave the house,
When Issy was younger you'd be lucky to ever catch me at home I was forever out on the bus,park,shops etc.. Oh how I miss those days, I'm always saying I want them back asap but it isn't as easy as just doing it but I will do it!!!

What went so wrong?


  1. I'm so sorry you're going through all of this. Unfortunately I know how anxiety feels but not to the extent you're having it. I only have it in small bouts. I hope it's something you can get past soon. Just remember, no matter how you feel about yourself, you're an amazing lady and an amazing mother. x x x

    1. Thank you it really means a lot :) It's awful such simple tasks are such big ones lately, Once I'm out you struggle to get me back home but it's the getting me out that is the problem, It comes and goes but I'm having more off days regularly but I refuse to go up a dosage as I want to be off them before we have number 3 (I must sound a total idiot) I've been so terrified of admitting I'm struggling some days because I want another and I know it seems really stupid to consider another when I'm like this and know people will have something to say :( Thank you so much it means so much to me that you think so :) xx

  2. I also suffer from anxiety and it started once my Isabelle was born. It can be horrible but it's not as bad as yours. Thinking of you hun hopefully it will pass soon x

    1. Thank you it really means a lot, I'm feeling so much better after letting Andy & my mum know how I'm feeling and have my prescription :) x