Wednesday, 27 August 2014

Me, Myslef & Agoraphobia

A little while ago I had my second appointment at Maudsley hospital, I was originally there for ADHD symptoms a few people including a health professional had asked me if I had ADHD so with that I had it looked into.
My second appointment was one with a psychiatrist, at this appointment he said he didn't feel I had enough of a ADHD trait to medicate to explain what he meant he said people with ADHD are dwarfs and people without it are normal average height, So I'm not quite as tall as a normal person but I'm not as short as a dwarf so I'm pretty much a hobbit :') I suffer with symptoms of ADHD but not enough to be a dwarf and medicated.
His example did make me laugh even more so when he asked if my hair was dyed.
With a reply of no it's natural he didn't seem to impressed but it left me and my mum giggling for the rest of the day.
 So to round it up I'm not as tall as a normal person but I'm not quite a dwarf with natural pink hair :) 
Anyway during my session he diagnosed me with Anxiety/Panic disorder and agoraphobia he suggested I have cognitive behavioural therapy and some medication which would be a higher dosage than the 1Omg citalopram I was on before
I knew I already had the anxiety disorder but the agoraphobia is something new to take in, I don't know why but since I found this out I haven't been right in myself I don't know what it is but I barely eat now (but gain weight like crazy) when it was rare to ever catch me with my hands not full of food and my stomach just doesn't feel right like I have a constant knot in my stomach, I go to bed most nights feeling really odd with an unsettled stomach which sends my sickness phobia nuts!
I mentioned in a previous post that my anxiety of suffering morning sickness was far to much to handle right now so baby number 3 was written off until I can manage it.
Which the above of not feeling right has sent me crazy over thinking it could be because of pregnancy, My babies don't like to show up with pregnancy tests or blood tests until a good few weeks 6 & 9 to be exact with negatives after a faint positive so it's not as simple as test and see :/ 
(Again in previous posts you'd have read I was planning to TTC so came off contraceptives, I can't go back on until pregnancy is totally ruled out)

The worse part of my diagnosis of agoraphobia is I feel I have to live up to the worst case of it because it's already happening I mention I was diagnosed and people look at me really confused and say isn't that were your scared to leave the house? as I'm sitting in their house but that's the thing I'm with someone I know I'll be safe with and I was driven from my house to theirs.
I'm expecting everyone I know personally to think my agoraphobia is something I've made up because I can be seen out BUT it's just up my local town to do some food shopping and school runs. 
Even that isn't easy for me at times, my mum still has to take me to the doctors,dentist and hospital even then I need a week at the very least to get my head around these appointments coming up, the same goes for any kind of event if I haven't been given at least a week it's very unlikely that you'll find me attending unless my mum is there doing what mums do and making sure I go with her by my side.
Andy and my mum are constantly reassuring me not to be silly and that agoraphobia isn't just a fear of the leaving the house at all and I shouldn't care what others think about it.


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