Monday, 18 January 2016

10 steps back | Anxiety & Me

Ever felt like your finally getting to where/how you want to be then suddenly out of no where you seem to end up 10 steps back?
No idea how or why but everything's unravelling?

I started 2016 with so many high hopes and goals after all the hard work I had put into showing my anxiety disorder I was boss and I was the one in control, I started attending some courses to improve my C.V to fill in the blanks of my missing GCSE's and the gap of not working where I've been bringing up my little ladies.
I was there and I was doing great very rarely having a bad day, Then the girls returned to school and I was supposed to return to complete my maths course.
All was going well then all of a sudden like a switch my mind just told me no and all I could do was cry at the thought of going back there, I just couldn't do it I didn't want to face people I was stressing out about affording my bus fare what with recovering from christmas and then Issy's birthday the following week.
So I rang my course providers and let them know I'll be in the following week but I promised myself this was just because the stress of affording to get there, Along came the following week and I went along to my course with no problems for 2 days but day 3 is where it all went spiralling out of control.
I sat my maths exam next minute I'm talking to the manager about my next steps fighting back tears! I was told  to take the rest of the week off and to return the following week to start my English course, Telling me to focus on how far I had come and to not even think about the result of my maths test because attending the course alone was a big thing for me and how proud they are of me for doing just that alone.
(He was made aware of my anxiety before I attended my first course)
I ended up crying with frustration the whole bus journey home I gave myself a few options that I felt would help 1. run straight to my mums and just break down to her 2. Go to my local park sit on the swings and just scream as loud as I could but I didn't want to worry anyone and finally go home sit in my car that I can't drive yet and just scream there before I went in doors.
As I stepped off the bus I expected to cry some more and have to dodge everyone I know at my local market but as soon as the wind hit me there seemed to be no more tears there and my mood lifted the wonders of your comfort zone eh?

I was so tired of being in a constant battle with my own mind, I felt I didn't have much fight left anymore I wanted to give up and let it win, live some more of my life hiding away from the world and not facing anything BUT after a little bit of fresh air seeing my girls faces  my whole attitude changed I refuse to give up! I've come this far and I only plan to go further after all it was a bad day and we are all entitled to those aren't we?
It doesn't mean tomorrow or the day after that and the day after that are going to be bad ones!
So a BIG F you anxiety I refuse to let you win, you've won the past few years but not no more I WILL be returning to do the other courses I plan to do and everything else I've planned to do in 2O16.

Writing it down seems so pathetic but at the time it felt like all I could do, I wanted people to see just how real Anxiety is and just because you can't see it doesn't mean it doesn't exist, I wanted to go to those that don't quite get it and roll their eyes when I mention it and let them see just how broken it had left me over something so simple.
By the time I'd reached home the me that doesn't want anyone to see my struggles and my weakness was back.

What better way to mark my determination?
Dye my hair the colour I've been talking about and pestering anyone I know for their opinion on it for months.


  1. A brave post, Anxiety is a beast but facing it head on is the best step x

    1. Thank you, I wrote it the night it happened but wasn't so sure if I should publish it but then I figured it's all a part of my journey with anxiety x

  2. Sorry to hear about your recent struggles with anxiety. I understand how horrible and frustrating it can be! It's great that you're getting it out there though. I feel that lately, so many more people are talking about it. When I was struggling with it a few years back it's as if no one knew what it even was!

    P.S - Your hair looks amazing!! x

    Christina Marie x (

    1. It's great how many people are talking about it hopefully it won't be as taboo as it seems to be soon! When I was first diagnosed even people that knew seemed to think I was just being a drama queen and rolled their eyes about it when I mentioned it stopping me doing things. Thank you lovely :) x